Nine
by Danika Ogawa
University of North Dakota
Danika Ogawa is a writer and undergraduate student in the English program at the University of North Dakota. She is anticipated to graduate in Spring 2024. Her work has been published in Floodwall Literary Magazine in their recent Fall 2022 issue. She currently lives in Grand Forks, ND.
Nine
Nine was fresh.
Suck it in suck it in suck it in suck it in
I hope it’s in my head,
I puckered and moved like jello.
Cover it up cover it up cover it up cover it up
But they see it too, I know it,
But I was beautiful! I was perfect just the way I was!
Just smile just smile just smile just smile
They said, “Don’t listen,”
Don’t look at them, they’re different, they’re not you,
Keep it down keep it down keep it down keep it down
I asked God to fix it, to do something,
Yellowed wooden floors make me anxious, nervous, sad,
Just try just try just try just try
But did I do something wrong to deserve this,
She called me obese, and I wanted to die, I wanted to die right there,
Just nod just nod just nod just nod
So, they see it too, everyone knows, everyone sees,
My mom, I want her to call them up and ruin them all, fuck them all
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
WHY AM I SO DIFFERENT,
The boy I liked asked why my face was so red, I said I’m not a runner,
Do I matter do I matter do I matter do I matter
The lines on my sides, my hips, my arms, they say it all
A black cloud disguised like the sun stayed, telling me, coaxing me,
Could I could I could I could I
It’s all my fault, my doing, my genes, myself
There was nothing left to do, nothing left to hope for, nothing left to like,
I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it
Maybe one day.