Regrets of a High School Crush & On Football and Adoption
by Savannah Stutevoss
University of the Incarnate Word
Savannah Stutevoss is an English Major with a Pre-Law Concentration at the University of the Incarnate Word who will graduate in 2023. Her favorite genre is Science Fiction, particularly Isaac Asimov, but she loves writing O’Henry type short stories and romantic poems. In the future, she hopes to either attend law school or a Creative Writing MFA program. Writing has always been dear to her heart, and she wishes to possibly follow both career paths.
Regrets of a High School Crush
We’d sit in the sonic parking lot almost every night
In the space three spots down from the entrance
I always sat shotgun since my house was the first on the way
And every time he’d ask for the gate code at the entrance to our third companion’s neighborhood
Why does she have to be so bougie with a gated community? he would ask me
With that half-smile I vowed to never forget
I knew he never paid attention to mine
I’d order a cherry limeade he’d order a vanilla coke with lime
I don’t know how you can drink that! I’d say
I worried I’d bore him with my quirky comments
But he’d always laugh and roll his eyes
We all had curfew then and he would drop me off first
And she would move up to my seat
I wondered what they talked about as he drove back to her gated subdivision
Did he care my neighborhood wasn’t gated?
Did he ask her for the code too?
Sometimes she’d be busy and we’d go alone on a drive
Just us two
I’d try so hard to impress him with a 2007 indie-inspired song that I thought he would like
And I knew I did well if he asked me to save it to his playlist
Since he was driving and couldn’t be on his phone
We were so cautious then
We grow up and begin texting while on the highway
We grow up and forget our high school friends
But I didn’t know this then
And our last night at sonic came and went
And the space three spots down from the entrance was no longer stained by the oil of his 2015 grey Toyota Tundra
And I refused to let myself grow up and forget
Otherwise I would have saved more songs
I would have saved every song I ever showed him
So that every time he pressed shuffle
I’d be there with him again
On Football and Adoption
I.
there’s a football game on the tv
it all feels so normal to me
we’ve never all sat together and watched a game
even though it’s a normal family activity
we’re not a normal family though
for some reason my mother never liked football games
she sits there now yelling alongside the pixelated fans
not understanding what is occurring
I don’t think it matters because they’re losing anyway
she gets up and goes away to shower
ruining the perfect family scenario
for once life was normal
as all three of us sat in the living room
mother father daughter
stupid required love
expressed through a game of violence and numbers
is that not all that we are?
I hear the shower running
we aren’t too close together to be cleansed
II.
my whole life I heard that I was lucky to be chosen
they tell me that many don’t have that luxury
the joys of being a new mother are apparently not lessened for one who did not have to give of her own flesh
there’s a different sort of joy when you get to choose
almost like choosing the cutest puppy
my mother says maybe she was more grateful than a “normal” mother would be
I can imagine her smiling and telling all her friends
“we found a baby!” and they would hug her and congratulate her
and as I grew up I was taught to be as grateful of her as she had been of me
Since I was chosen
but I would rather have a mother of the same flesh as mine
than to be chosen
III.
it’s superbowl sunday
and I’m watching it alone
ghosts sit on the couch watching with me
does anyone ever choose their parents?
I guess I really am no different than anyone else
I’ve learned to be grateful now that I am alone
mostly because football games are really fucking boring
and even though she never watched more than one quarter
my mother knew me so well
she was my mother after all
she always made sure that there were snacks