Thank You for Being Healthy
by Bella Malatesta
University of Michigan - Ann Arbor
Bella Malatesta is a University of Michigan junior studying Communications, Creative Writing and Digital Studies. Bella enjoys blogging and has created a platform to encourage conversations around taboo topics such as mental health, eating disorders, and relationships. She has also been published previously in Spellbinder Literary Magazine. Bella can often be found at a local coffee shop journaling, reading David Sedaris or booking a flight for her next adventure. You can find her blog at iamisabellaann.com or on social media at @iam.becoming.
Aunt Millie's 35 Calorie Bread
I grew up with this bread always in my pantry. The brown label reading "light whole grain." The 35 larger than the rest of the words, highlighted inside a yellow graphic of a tape measure. These “healthy” features were what initially drew my mom to this thinly sliced bland loaf of carbs. She has been a loyal consumer of 35 calorie bread before I was old enough to know what a diet was, or why on earth anyone would ever go on one. Now, I refuse to eat any other kind of bread, as that would be a “waste” of calories.
Lindt Sea Salt Caramel Dark Chocolate
My mom will always tell you that the year my oldest brother started high school was the year she got depressed, and the year that she began to gain weight. She managed to put on over 30 pounds by eating nothing besides a family-sized bag of peanut M&M's and several McDonald’s large Diet Cokes a day. I was always offered some of the chocolate from the mustard-colored bag with colorful circles dressed as people on it, but I never had any interest. I was just never a fan of chocolate. At least not until I began telling myself I couldn’t have it. When I decided that all forms of dessert were to be considered equal to the devil himself and should be avoided at all costs, I began to crave it. I was physically drawn to it. Like a moth to a bright light. Like an alcoholic in an AA meeting. It was all I could think about. Yet, I would never give in and every time I felt weak, I would quietly repeat to myself “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” That was until one afternoon, when I was living in the dorms at the University of Michigan, my mom sent me a care package. In it contained a bar of this particular chocolate. I broke down and scarfed the whole thing down my throat so quickly that I didn’t even take the time to enjoy the balanced, decadent flavors of sea salt, caramel, and bitter dark chocolate. Because I had previously avoided all sugar for months, I had a horrendous stomachache. I went on a several-mile run immediately after, hoping to either burn off the calories I had just ingested or make myself throw it up.
Sweet Potato
The first diet I ever went on was called Paleo. You have to cut out sugar, legumes, dairy, oil, gluten, and any other food that makes your taste buds happy. Because I was so restricted by this diet, I ended up surviving solely on meat and sweet potatoes. Once I went to college and was, not surprisingly, no longer on this unattainable diet, I still would eat sweet potatoes daily like I was a scavenger. Like I didn’t have a whole dining hall full of food in my building. Sweet potatoes were cut into long sticks as I pretended they were french fries for lunch, and would be put in my pathetic dorm microwave for twenty-two minutes (which is rather absurd) until they would be ready for their toppings of peanut butter and cinnamon then eaten as dessert. I should have known then that my eating disorder was a problem, but still, it persisted. I mean, what other psychopath eats sweet potatoes as dessert unless it is in pie form?
Cauliflower Rice
The seniors at the high school I attended were able to go off campus for lunch every day. When I was finally able to cash in on this privilege, my diet addiction had just begun, and I was taking it very seriously. That means that instead of going out to eat like all of the other kids did, I went home to cook something that would be much less calories. Every day it would consist of different ingredients on a bed of cauliflower rice, because obviously, normal rice is wayyyyy too unhealthy. Yet, as anyone who has ever eaten cauliflower rice (which is just cauliflower that has been attacked by a cheese grater) will tell you, it fills you up for about fifteen minutes. So when I think back to senior year of high school, I remember prom, graduation, and afternoons spent distracted by the persistent grumble of my stomach.
Vital Proteins Matcha Collagen
I grew up in the era of social media influencers. From a young age, I would scroll through my feed and be overwhelmed by beautiful women showing off their gorgeous skin, fashionable clothes and perfect bodies. I decided I would look like them some day. Thankfully (not), these influencers would “help” their followers become as perfect as they were by creating posts on where they shop, what fitness activities they subscribe to and what they eat in a day. I followed their every move to a T, as if my future happiness depended on it, because at the time, it felt as if it did. I even went as far as partaking in a thirty-day fitness challenge created by an influencer I idolized. Many of these beautiful women swore by this seemingly magical powder to keep their skin and nails beautiful and to provide themselves with the instant gratification that social media promotes. I bought into it. And when my skin didn’t suddenly turn as smooth as a baby's butt like an influencer's, and my hair didn’t grow long and luscious like an influencer's, and I didn’t suddenly have thin legs and a tiny waist like an influencer’s, I began to feel like a failure. More unattractive than I ever had felt before.
Jiff Natural Peanut Butter and Banana
Every morning I wake up and eat the exact same thing. Toast (you should know exactly what kind, if you’re paying attention) topped with peanut butter and banana. This kind of repetition helped me follow so many diets for so many months. If I never changed what I was eating in a day, I would never need to recalculate what I could and couldn’t fit into my 1,000 calorie a day goal. So every day it was the same thing. It made me feel like I had control of my life during the time when I had the least amount of control. My breakfast had exactly 220 calories.
Extra Spearmint Gum
I used to carry around a pack of gum at all times for two reasons. The first being that I am hypoglycemic. My blood sugar can drop dramatically and suddenly at any time of the day, and I begin to shake and have difficulty breathing until I locate something sugary to feast on. Because in order to be the weight and size that I craved, I couldn’t afford to eat candy, as most people with hypoglycemia do, I relied on gum. The second reason I always had a pack on me is because I would chew a piece to trick my brain into thinking that I was actually eating. Whenever I would get a common hunger que, such as my stomach grumbling or beginning to feel weak, I would pop a piece of gum into my mouth and chew until I could begin to ignore my urgent desire for food.
Tofu
I wanted to go vegan after watching several documentaries on the matter. All with different angles. One for the environmental benefits, another for the treatment of animals, and yet another for the health benefits. The latter is the one that sold me. My mom refused to learn how to cook without meat and dairy, and in high school I couldn’t afford to buy my own groceries, so I put it off until I got to college. Thankfully, the dining halls had at least one option at all times, often containing tofu. During this year of veganism I was often asked, “Don’t you miss meat,” or “How do you eat salad without cheese?” I often lied to these people and pretended that I hated cheese and that giving up all forms of meat didn’t leave me craving it every day. I lied so often that I actually started to believe it myself. I’ve done the same thing with convincing myself that I don’t really like pasta or fried chicken because it’s too unhealthy.
Kale
During that year of veganism I ate a lot of vegetables. I refused to be one of those people who called themselves vegan, but ate Impossible burgers for every meal and washed them down with Oreos. Kale was one of the most accessible vegetables in the dining halls, so I ate it with almost every meal. After about two months of eating plates that looked more like tiny forests rather than meals, I began to have stomach issues. I would often see blood in my stool and was constantly bloated. After nine months of uncomfort, I finally went to see a gastroenterologist. My doctor was a gorgeous twenty-something male. The last person I would want to talk to about my bowel movements. After an hour of wanting to dig a hole and bury myself in it, the handsome man recommended that I stop eating so many vegetables and mix up my diet a bit. Maybe even treat myself to some ice cream from time to time. I was SHOCKED to hear these words come out of someone's mouth who has been trained in health. All of this time I thought that eating only fruits and vegetables was doing what was best for my body, but I was just sabotaging myself the whole time. Frankly, the idea of breaking veganism and eating something that was produced in a factory rather than picked from the ground terrified me. What if I gained weight? I would no longer be beautiful. No one would like me anymore. I would no longer be worth anyone’s time. Thanks for nothing, kale.
Subtotal: My sanity
Tax: My self confidence
Total Cost: My happiness
Thank you for shopping at the Health Food Store! You saved 6,520 calories by depriving yourself of the food that you enjoy!
Interview With The Author
1. What was your inspiration for this piece?
Towards the end of my senior year of high school I began my struggle with an eating disorder that has gotten less severe, yet still comes to the surface every so often. I wrote this piece in the form of a grocery list with each food sharing a different story of how I experienced my eating disorder as well as trying to pinpoint some moments from my childhood that influenced me to have such negative thoughts towards my body.
2. What is your creative process?
When I write anything, I just let go of my thoughts and turn on auto-pilot. I write and write and write and tend to go off on tangents. Anything that pops into my mind I write down, even if it makes no sense at all, without ever using the backspace key. I find it significantly easier to delete than add when writing, and my results are usually significantly more raw and interesting.
3. What are some influences on your artistic process?
I have been greatly influenced by many of my professors, especially one I have had the opportunity to learn from for several semesters named James Pinto. I am also inspired by my favorite authors, David Sedaris and Maruki Murakami.
4. Is there anything more you’d like our readers/viewers to know about you or your work?
I hope my writing serves to comfort someone who can relate to my topic, showing them that there is someone else in their same shoes who has come out the other side.
Editors’ Comments
Witty, honest, and unique only begin to scratch the surface of Malatesta’s work. “Thank You for Being ‘Healthy’” is a scrumptious tale of both distinctive foods and a less-than-delicious real-life relationship with them.